Wednesday, April 29, 2009

A Public Service Announcement

I posted (an unedited version of) this to RPGnet, and I was far to impressed with my own cleverness to keep it to myself:

Elf Rage is a rare condition that afflicts less than ten percent of the fantasy community. It is rare, but a diagnosis can be life-changing. Those suffering from Elf Rage experience intense disgust at the mention of elves, enough to sour their experience of otherwise excellent games and novels. They even become aggravated at the appearance of elflike species - beings that aren't actually elves but in some significant way look or act like elves - in otherwise elf-free fiction. They frequently experience a wistful nostalgia for the early days of their fantasy experience "back when all I'd read was Conan and Tolkien" and elves were still fun, before the tragedy that is Elf Rage ruined everything

Science still isn't sure of the cause of Elf Rage. Some point to an air- or book-born pathogen or mutated gene. Others simply say that Elf Rage sufferers are "just different" or "need to chill out." However, some research indicates that the cause is demographic rather than biological. According to these scientists, elves actually are a tired, worn-out trope, fit only to be put out to pasture alongside similar themes, like gnomes, dwarves, halflings, and the concept of human/nonhuman crossbreeding. These scientists believe that Elf Rage may be the way of the future, that as time passes we will see more and more cases of Elf Rage until elves are finally excised from our fantasy.

Is this the case? Will Elf Rage rise until the elves are no more, or will it subside? Does a golden age of elfdom await on the far side of a barren winter, when Elf Rage finally fades and elves return? Or will Elf Rage consume the elves forever?

If you believe that you or someone you love suffers from Elf Rage, please visit your local science fiction and fantasy bookstore for an immediate diagnosis. The label "Elf Rage" may be frightening, but less frightening than the cost of living with undiagnosed Elf Rage.

This has been a public service announcement from ERAS, the Elf Rage Awareness Society.

5 comments:

Becca said...

I like Tolkien elves. I was also once told in Japan by a peer that I looked like an elf, which made me very happy XD

That being said, copy-cat Tolkien elves can drive me crazy. Probably not to the level of Elf Rage, though.

Al Bruno III said...

I think I may suffer from an offshoot of this called "Ninja Rage"

Mark said...

@ BeccaYeah... I still like elves in Tolkein. Just not anywhere else.

It's gotten to the point that when I edit old stories I take out the elves. I'm not kidding.

@ Al Bruno IIIAh, Ninja Rage. I've heard of it. Luckily I don't experience it - one rage is more than enough.

Admittedly, the idea of elven ninjas fills me with a horror I cannot describe.

Kathryn_aka_Kat said...

I'll admit it, I have some elf rage, and, like allergies, it's especially set off by the flowery sort of pastel peace-loving one-with-nature sort, with all the dimensionality of a bad greeting card illustration. To conteract it, I go re-read Terry Pratchett's Lords & Ladies. Funny how a comedic series gets the scary other-ness right.

(Oh, and don't mention "drow rage"... then you -will- get a tirade)

Mark said...

Come on, tirade at me. I love a good tirade... and I hate the Drow with a fiery flaming passion.

What annoys me is that the author always seems to be on the elves' side, and the elves are always behaving like jerks.

What it is is this: people don't get Tolkien. They don't understand that his elves did not apply their full might to the situation not because they were too snooty or too busy or anything like that. They largely didn't act during the events of the Lord of the Rings because they thought they'd screw it up. And, if you read the Silmarillion, I wouldn't put it past them.

So we get snooty, closer-to-nature-than-though elves. And elf rage.